the heartbroken one

well this is kind of an old epiphany i had, but its still good.

this past year unfortunatley i've let my life revovle around one person, & this was not God. at summer camp this year i looked back on ym year & i was ashamed to see the person i became. i know thats not the person i want to be.

i thought about all the heartbreak i had felt that year, & ya i know it was a really old relationship, but i was still feeling reprecussions. i loved this person & i had been totally hurt by them & almost neglected...

then thinking this i felt more guilty, once again i was making my life around this person, but thats the last thing i wanted to do. & it hit me...

the way i had been treated by this person was almost like the way i had been treating God. & God loves me so much more than i loved this guy. so in a way he was heartbroken from the way a was treating him. i know its kind of a stretch, but it makes sense to me. i was making this past year about a relationship that wasn't the relationship i should've been working on; mine & God's.

so i started after camp...putting my best foot forward, trying to patch up my broken relationship with God, i would never want Him to feel the way i felt, & was making him feel.

prayer & oppertunities

have you ever prayed so hard for something but you feel like you're still at a constant struggle with it? i know lately there have been a few things that have been eating at me & prayer hasn't helped alot...then i thought of it in a different way.

people always pray for stuff they want, & i am one of them. but thats not exactly what God wants for me. in this particular case i have been praying alot to overcome a certain kind of distraction in my life, but the more i pray the more i see it coming up...why?

well think of it this way, if you pray for patience, God isn't going to grant you patience just like that. i think he's going to give you an oppertunity to be patient.

so when i pray for help through this struggle, i feel like God is giving me mroe oppertunites to stand up to, to show that i can overcome it. & once i realized that i was ready, almost excited for another struggle so i could conquer it. its alomst like a challenge that i know i can succeed in because God wouldn't give me something too big to get passed.

its been a while

sooo, just getting back from my second annual pals retreat. & i realized i haven't written in this thing in a while. so here's an update i guess...

school starts in a few weeks, not even, & most people are dreading it. but i am so ready. i am about to be so stoked for senior year. my classes are great & i know i share some with some of my favorite people & i am just so looking forward to it.

as for life in general, i feel like there's a new dawn coming. its like i have finally gotten past this huge storm that i've been fighting for a long time & this new beginning has been a long time coming. its kind of tough to say specifics but everything is looking up.

this past summer has been filled with ups & downs. some very interesting moments & quite a few where i've been surprisingly dissapointed in myself. but thankfully my savior is a forgiving being & i could go to Him with it. i've been given so much more grace than i deserve.

recently i thought back to a previous relationship & how broken down i was about it. this was ages ago but i think of how i was treated & how it made me feel. then i thought that that was the exact way i was treating my God. & he loves me so much more than i loved this person, therefore he was so much more heart broken. so since then i try to think of the way treat God in terms of a relationship. its really helped me alot. :]
although i was really sad for the way i acted...its sucks realizing that everything is not about you, i can be so selfish sometimes.

moving on to happier things, senior year is going to be amazing then there's college thats just going to blow everyone away. its reaching the end of the beginning & all i can do is hang in there & hold on.
:]